ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Nice try Hitler
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell