optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
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You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.