Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
being a writer on Twitter:
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer