12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
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Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit