Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
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I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…