Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
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Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral