It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
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I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
A French press is when you hug naked
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.