If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
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A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Sing it!
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I’ll be mad as hell!
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.