You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
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I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
*jingles half the way*
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.