My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
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The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
lmao
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.