The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
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-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be