(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
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me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Become ungovernable.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.