Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
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To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
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I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call