DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
You Might Also Like
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”