Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.