It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[eats all your cotton candy]
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.