“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
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The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
This forever.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂