Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
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*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
A little too much information.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.