Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
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“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money