Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
c’mon!
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
happy mother’s day❤️
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.