Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
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Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I cannot call her anything else now
FINE, I WON’T.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?