“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”