The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
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“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.