Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
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Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
They’re not wrong
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.