The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
You Might Also Like
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
hmmm
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?