You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
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(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭