doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
This kid is a star!
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Damn he played himself
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒