“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
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Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
📽️movie date🎞️
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?