Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
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two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Always…
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?