If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
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*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
is this how new cars are made??
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
And then there were 4
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron