me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
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What if all the cashiers are married?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”