🤣🤣💀
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Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*