It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
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Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.