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husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Thrilling chase underway
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support