This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
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what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Van Gone
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK