Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
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“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship