*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
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Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Cats are still liquid.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast