There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
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Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Got ya covered