i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
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I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Best spot.. 😅
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her