I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
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The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications