me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.