Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
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God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet