Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
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My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Otters see a butterfly.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza