No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
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My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it