Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
You Might Also Like
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb