My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
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Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.