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welp
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.