Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
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Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about