[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
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Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.