Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
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me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?